you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
