Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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