i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize