the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
