My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize