a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
