Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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