apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
