my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
