worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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