Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
