when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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