I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
