I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
