Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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