I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
