after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
