instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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