Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
