Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
