Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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