If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
