You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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