I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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