Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
