you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
