Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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