omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
