i wish my penis had a tongue
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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