I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
