Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
