Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
