Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just cropdusted the office
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
