I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
