Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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