How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
