i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
