thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
