I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize