Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
