I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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