Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
