took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
