I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
