best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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