we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
