the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
