i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I faked an abortion last night.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
