new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
