My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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