I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
