I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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