What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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