Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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