she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
