Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
