Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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